Breakdown and Rebirth
It’s coming up on 2 years since l first moved to this beautiful place, the Narnia of my childhood. I came here to heal after a series of personal and physical challenges left me in a state of crisis - broken, defeated, depleted, exhausted and very weak. My body and soul begged for rest, for healing, for solitude, for respite and I responded. I have found it here. They have been two of the most beautiful and also challenging years of my life as I have navigated the healing process. Yet, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. The journey has been deeply transformative as I’ve spent two years alone in nature, meditating, being, listening within and growing strong again. I’m emerging with a feeling of verticality, of inner alignment and fierce uncompromising dedication to remain true.
After a year too weak to get out of bed, and another year slowly slowly rehabilitating my mind and body, it’s been two steps forward and one step backwards over and over again. The depths I’ve had to dig for mental strength has been enormous. Yet again, I wouldn’t trade it. There is something truly remarkable forged in the struggle. It seems to be a universal phenomenon that the human spirit is made brighter, stronger, more beautiful and radiant by the alchemy required to transform adversity/suffering/hardship into gold. So many souls have proven this again and again and I am grateful for the chance to know it for myself.
I am emerging with the desire to begin sharing the journey with others. I know many people have been shipwrecked in similar ways and I feel that by sharing the process and path we can help each other have more faith, courage and patience with what is often a profound existential crisis. Having observed the process in myself and others I’ve noticed the emergence of certain seemingly universal themes. These are my discoveries, I’m curious if anyone has had similar findings or experiences.
---> There is a breakdown. Collapse. Crumbling Crisis. The inability to go on as one has before. A crushing heartbreak, depression and sense of loss and fear as the world crumbles… ---> A period of deconstruction. The breakdown is in full effect, things must be let go. The grip on the status quo is pried open. Dreams die. Plans die. Relationships end. Its messy. It sucks. Nothing makes a whole lot of sense. ----> The reckoning: some degree of acceptance and surrender occurs. One moves towards what is being asked. Perhaps not with a whole lot of grace. Perhaps in a manner resigned, despairing, or kicking and screaming. Perhaps wounded, broken, and defeated… but one has reckoned with what has occurred and is moving towards solutions. ---->Oscillating cycles of healing and purification. A baffling process. Two steps forward one step back. Over and over again. ----> A desert where the old world has collapsed and the new one has not yet been built. Things have improved, but the old ways, relationships or patterns cannot be picked back up. ---> Awakening. Revelation. Power. The beginning shoots of new life. The emergence of unexpected gifts. Their potential is staggering. Their beauty is breathtaking. ----> Rebirth. Renewal. New Life. New Ways of being. Flowering. The ground is firm for building. An entirely new world begins to emerge. It emerges from the heart. It emerges from inspiration. It emerges from a courageous, no fucks given attitude built on the sturdy foundations of ones purest being. A being that has been hammered and forged until it rings true.
This journey of transformation is so beautiful to me, so miraculous, so incredible… and so damn difficult when we are in the middle of a crisis. I hope this post can bring comfort to anyone who may be in some stage of this cycle. I see these challenges as a rite of passage and incredibly holy ground.
One of the profound gifts of this experience has been discovering my ability to help others transform adversity and suffering into beauty. We are extraordinary beings, all of us. There is nothing more glorious than the true unfolding freedom of a human soul, untethered from conditioning. I’m also beginning to put this experience into writing. There is so much I want to share, its threatening to combust inside of me. I have a website and blog coming soon.
So thats my update this beautiful shining day. All my love beautiful people and don’t hesitate to get in touch with me if you or anyone you know is in need of support. All my love.